OMGWTF!STD?FYI.

Admittedly, the fairer sex has spent some time under their hunter-gatherer counterparts, pun intended, but perhaps in their limited logical capacity and debates over matching shoes with purses, these bleeders simply don't understand exactly why. Is it the fact that, being the childbearers, they represent our demise as free men? Perhaps on a subconscious level, because each female reminds of us of our most hated and loved image in our mothers? Or is the reason so base as the stronger sex throwing the weaker one around the kitchen and taking advantage of inebriated coeds, just because we can? I think not. Man is a complex beast, and a rational one at that, and our motivation for such abusive treatment lies much deeper than that.

Women make us sick.


Yes, while the mercury plummets to a chilly 19 degrees here in the badlands and my liver cells slowly regenerate after several days of wanton neglect, I have contracted a virile case of the Fear. Fuck the Cold. And fuck Cirrhosis. After all I've seen and done, and all the Wrong I got away with, it seems nothing more than a bacterium may prove my undoing. Walk through fire, survive repeated binges with my fiendish employers, and all the mattresses I've escaped without a knife between my ribs, only to lose to Chlamydia trachomatis.

And so, while I eagerly await my test results and tell myself the pissing pain is merely consequent of poor lubricant selection, I would like to take this opportunity to educate you about sexually transmitted disease. With luck, and a bit of forethought, should any of you pick up a low-grade stripper covered in tattoos with cartoon tits, you can avoid the sort of worry I now know.

Let's start with the basic manners in which women infect us with their evil snatches.

The Clap - Gonorrhea, the cause of which is Neisseria gonorrhoeae which resides in the rotten fruit of the Uterus. Famous people which have fallen victim include Vietnam, G.I.Joe, and the entire population of Perth, Australia. Symptoms include thick discharge and agonizing urination, not unlike jerking off with a handful of salt. Almost as much fun as catching the illness is the test, when a dry cotton swab is shoved in your pisshole. Fortunately, curable by antibiotics.

The Bugs - Pubic Lice, more popularly known as Crabs, arise when an infestation of Pthirus pubis jumps off your Mexican harlot and into your man bush. Famous patrons include Tiajuana, yours truly, and Gary Coleman. While sexual contact is not necessary to acquire crabs, it certainly makes it more worth your while. After all, if you're going to walk around scratching your nuts in public and cursing your friends for letting you leave with that slutbag, you might as well blow a load for your troubles. More of a nuisance than a threat, lice can usually be avoided by ensuring your cum dumpster keep a cleanly shaven pink place, but if you happen to wake up with scrotal fleas, either burn them off or sit your ass in a bucket of pyrethrins. Can't go wrong there.

The Syph - Syphilis, brought about by rubbing your parts with someone else's parts seeping Treponema pallidum, is a bit more serious illnes and will make you a stark raving palsied lunatic if not treated, not unlike marriage or childbirth. Known for bringing down such greats as Paul Gaughin and Al Capone, Syph is a deceptive fucker which starts as an inconspicuous lesion before covering your body in sores, after which you may suffer from neurological problems and a general hatred by all of mankind. While it may be difficult to detect, this rampant disease is easily washed away with penicillin, which is a whole lot easier than trying to clean your conscience after catching this shit from your cheating girlfriend.

The Bumps - Human Papillomavirus is the most common of STD's, and possibly the most benign for men as it can turn your cock into a virtual french tickler without the pain associated with other sickness. Never mind that your new modifications might cause cervical cancer in women. After all, it's their fault you have it to begin with. The little known fact about Warts is, now pay attention, condoms do little to stop the spread of this filth. Indeed, as the culprit virus is conveyed in such sticky fluids as vaginal secretions and direct contact, that stinking seafood residue you wash off your balls after sweet love has already infected you with the Ick. On a sad note, there is no treatment for HPV, and it will serve as a constant reminder of that diseased cunt for deformed your manhood. And no, we're not talking about your mother, either. Most easily avoided by insisting on Ass Sex with a good tongue swabbing afterwards.

The Sores - Yet another incurable affliction, Genital Herpes will turn your beloved mini-me into a burning pustule of red death. Introduced by rubbing bellies with herpes simplex virus 2, symptoms include itching, burning, anal discomfort, and a feeling of abdominal pressure, which sounds so gay it doesn't seem plausible to contract it from a woman. Recurrent "outbreaks" cause open sores to appear on the cock, with which you can run about town and distribute your wealth to unsuspecting teenagers after buying them beer. Transmitted much the same way as the Warts, vaginal fluids anywhere near your manhood will make you a sexual leper for life, so keep it in her rear, and don't come anywhere near here. And finally,

The Plague - HIV, more commonly known as Death or the Scourge of Africa, is a lethal ailment which crippled the human immune system and makes you the adult equivalent of Bubble Boy. Except Bubble Boy wasn't covered in Karposi's Sarcoma, and didn't get to blow off one last load in exchange for an untimely death. Best avoided by keeping clear of Junkies, Buttfuckers, and dirty people, everyone is susceptible to this contagion, but appropriately women are far more at risk. Since you must somehow get infected fluids into you, most men are spending their intercourse time pumping fluids out, namely into some unconscious girl with her skirt pushed up and thong chafing the side of your manmeat. As condoms definitely to deter the spread of this virus, be sure to sheathe thy sword before combat, never go down on a woman, ever, and make sure if you ever go to prison for hard time, you have a long talk with your cellmate about safe sex before he rams your head into a cinder block wall and rapes your girly ass on premise.

I hope that was enjoyable for you as it was for me, boys and girls, and remember, no matter how bad it gets or what trouble comes of it, it's always her fault, and it's always her problem.