Metal Math

Sort of like those "Hey man, is that freedom rock? Turn it up!" or "Did you hear? Disco is making a comeback!" commercials; one might be led to believe that heavy music is making some kind of resurgence, and it is! In fact, it's here -- welcome to the apex of Metal's new wave of popularity. Hey Metalheads, enjoy it while it lasts, because we are one Smells Like Teen Sprit away from another long stretch of irrelevancy. Look, I consider myself a metalhead. I grew up on Slayer, Iron Maiden, and Metallica. I LOVE METAL, but today’s “scene” has an Achilles heel – one that I will expose now:

Problem 1 -- LACK OF HEAVY METAL SLUTS (Typicus Metalus Bimbosus): Whatever happened to the fucking metal sluts? What happened to the big haired, short mini skirt, push up bra, band-dude banging, coke snorting, silicone-enhanced bitches that were working at the titty bar to pay your rent, and bragging to all the other sluts about how big your dick is? Right now, they might look kinda’ funny, but back then it was good pussy! Plus, it brought people out to the shows! Did any guys like Warrant? Were dudes really dying to see Great White back then? Hell no! Did guys go to the shows to score Warrant and Poison loving stripper sluts? Hell yes, they did! In my opinion, the abundance of loose snizz floating around the 80's metal scene extended the whole genre’s lifespan five years longer than it should have lasted.

Back in the day, I remember being just a bit too young to truly capitalize on this plethora of loose hairband puss. In fact, I can remember getting the short end of the stick! The hot, slutty, scandalous groupie bimbos I went to high school with were always fucking the guys a few years older than me that were in bands! Those fucking cunts!

Fast forward to 2002 >>> Now here I am, in my internationally-known, rock god, pussy-getting prime - and WHERE ARE ALL THE METAL BITCHES AT?! Where is the new generation of metal sluts? They’ve got to be somewhere! Who are they out breaking off? DJs now?! Moby looks like he has cancer, and I bet even he has groupies! These days, all the young sluts go to raves. Do they bang the DJs? Probably. What the fuck? I got rid of my record player years ago because I THOUGHT I DIDN'T NEED IT ANYMORE. What happened to having to build an ark and grab two of every animal to paddle out of the show because you risked drowning in a sea of hot groupie quim when bitches saw you play guitar? All of the hours I wasted practicing! I'll never make that mistake again; which brings me to my next point...

Problem 2 -- NOBODY CAN PLAY GUITAR ANYMORE: Back in the day, even the bands that SUCKED at least had decent guitar players. Skidmark -- mean, Skidrow -- SUCKED! But at least ‘ole Snake Sabo could play a god damn guitar solo. These kids today, they get a guitar, tune it down so that you don't even have to play real chords (also known as the drop D cheat), get their neighbor to whine on a demo about how his dad buttfucked him too much, then some record company schlep comes along, and hands them a contract worth a cool Mil'. What the fuck is that? I ain’t player hatin’ -- I would run with the money too -- but now the problem is that everyone is afraid to do anything original. The same diluted, lame shit is churned out over and over again on a weekly basis -- just as long as labels are still making money off it! After a few years of this, the “scene” will burn out, just like it did back in the day. On top of that, there will be NO GROUPIES to save you! Then you have to deal with this...

Problem 3 -- CRACKING THE MULLET CONSPIRACY: If you fancy yourself a big Nü-Metalhead, take a good look in the mirror -- that is what you will look like for the rest of your life. I think people have a tendency to try to emulate the appearance of what they looked like in the best year of their life. Ever wonder why there are so many mullets? BECAUSE 1987 WAS A DAMN GOOD YEAR! If you think all of the piercings and tats that make you look so "edgy" right now will still look cool in 10 years, then please consider this simple equation:

TODAY'S TREND = TOMORROW'S MULLET

The same can be said for the “music” that is being vomited forth from this terrible mess. If you don't think Coal Chamber is going to be about as irrelevant as Britney Fox (young people, look it up) in a few years, then you, my friend, need a checkup from the neck up.

And now for the Coup de Gras – We won’t be fooled again: Nü Metal is phonetically pronounced "New Metal", right? I am about to illustrate to you, using the power of mathematics, that THERE IS NOTHING "NEW" ABOUT IT! Be prepared; you are about to be BLINDED BY SCIENCE.

Alice in Chains - Coolness + Living Singer = Godsmack
Stryper + Pearl Jam = Creed
Bon Jovi + Hootie and the Blowfish = Puddle of Mudd
Faith No More + Backstreet Boys = Incubus
Rush - Getty Lee's Nose = Tool
Styx + Milli Vanilli = Linkin Park
Shit + Uncontrollable Vomiting = Crazytown
Skidrow + Fatter Singer = Papa Roach
Poison + Chick Bassist = Coal Chamber
Twisted Sister + Hulk Hogan = The Disturbed
Quiet Riot + Slightly Heavier Music = Drowning Pool

Sad, isn’t it? I don’t see the next Pantera, Black Sabbath, Slayer, Iron Maiden, or Metallica coming out of this. Just a giant sea of crap the public will grow weary of very soon. It’s too bad -- shit, maybe we can try again in another 15 years!