Hire Me!

My boss just called to tell me that two of the proposals I’ve prepared over the past two months have been accepted. That means we’ve been hired as consultants. This is a very, very good thing.

Thus continues my inexplicable run at being really good at what I do. Seriously, I have no idea how to explain it, because most of the time I really don’t even know what I’m doing. Once a day, something like this happens:

Boss: “Do you see how we ranked on the latest league tables for mid-term notes?”
Me: [eating a big-ass sandwich, having no idea what a “mid-term note” is, being forced to guess] “Yes - we came out on top.”
Boss: “Excellent. Keep up the good work.”

Then I’ll spend the next three hours learning what a mid-term note is, pooping, checking the tables to see if actually came out on top (which we usually do), checking email, making really long personal phone calls, and pooping some more.

I'm an engineer, even though my course load in college consisted of: history, some writing, sign language, and whatever was in the afternoon or whatever that girl with the giant boobs from the cafe who I always met in the bagel line was taking.

And I don’t really apply myself because I learned at a young age that trying is for losers. You can save that “There’s nothing more satisfying than working hard to reach a goal and achieving it” drivel. You know what’s more satisfying? Doing just enough to get by and being honored/promoted/handsomely compensated for it. Now that’s a great feeling.

I don’t mean to toot my own horn here, but really, if I’m going to brag, there are dangerously few things that I can brag about, and this is probably number one. But this streak has got to come to an end soon, and when it does, no one is going to walk away a winner. I don’t think the powers-that-be will like it when they realize that their man in charge of research doesn’t even know what “research” means.

So if your company is hiring let me know. My skills include:

- good people skills
- showing up late
- seldom wearing a shirt and when shirted, said shirt only covers half of stomach
- excellent at sexual harassment
- punching people/co-workers when they’re not looking
- stealing large office supplies for home (i.e. lamps, chairs, desks, etc)
- ability to cry on queue
- one time I beat up a dog

You can just send me an email with salary info. Thanks.