An Email

I get a lot of really fucked up emails. This sort of comes with the territory, and I get a kick out of many of them. Some are annoying. These include the many emails I get from “hot” girls who talk about how “hot” they are and proceed to tease me about their “hotness”, but fail to include a picture. In the old days, I used to press these women for pictures, and when I eventually got one, 95% of the time it’d be of a 250-pounder eating a big-ass bowl of chili, looking like Mama Cass on a hot August afternoon. But now, jaded and disappointed, I don’t even respond to these emails. So ladies, if you’re only point in emailing me is to tell that you’re hot, please don’t. However, if you want to email me a picture of you eating a big-ass bowl of chili, that’s totally cool. I collect those.

Most emails are fun to read. These include some of the stories that y’all send me, links to stuff you think is funny, and drunken ramblings (and I have been getting an inordinate amount of drunken ramblings lately – gotta love the holidays). Really, I could put up one email a day instead of a post and it’d be more entertaining than any of the garbage on here.

I’ve seen a lot of crazy ones, but I think this is the single strangest email I’ve ever gotten.

Hi John,
My name is Sarah. I'm 32 years-young, and my husband recently died. I just saw your internet profile and I loved it. You're very attractive! I LOVE to travel, and I'll be visiting the US in January. Also, since my husband died (he died by overdosing on Velotrin - I'm curently sueing them and I hope to get a lot of money - I feel bad he died but I'm glad he died the way he died, he was fuckin' till the very end!!!!) I've become a chronic masturbater. My phsychiatrist tells me that the best way to cut down on jerkin' is to meet a man. So, I'M REALLY GLAD I FOUND YOUR WEBSITE ;)!!!!!!!!!! Hopefully, we will be able to meet up when I visit. I travel a lot, and I would love to travel with you. Lookin' forward to hearing from you,
Sarah
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[This is me, being speechless.]



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[So Sarah, where are we going?]