Choxie Experiment

It is Christmas season and like every Christmas season they try to sell you all sorts of holiday themed crap because they know most people have the brain power of a drunken sloth and will shell out all their hard earned nickels and dimes for it. That is what we do, because we're goddamned retarded, no denying it. Maybe it's the red bows or the shitty snowflakes they screen print on the packaging, but whatever it is it seems to be working all too well in the stores. Entering a store this time of year is like asking to be mashed in the nuts by a cactus. That is why I go...I love cacti.

While wandering through the store, trying my damnedest to appear like a Christmas zombie so the other zombies won’t turn on me, I came across a bizarre product that just beckoned to be written about. It's called Choxie and is described as “artisan truffle tiles”. The screen printed designs they manufactured these chocolates with basically had me shoving 47 boxes down my pants in the span of 2 seconds. It also appears I wedged a kid in there as well. If anyone is missing a Billy Malhony from Beaker Street please contact me ASAP because Billy doesn’t like being locked in my closet or beaten with soap wrapped in a sock.

Sure, the chocolate tiles sent from heaven looked really cool, but the real question was...what the hell do these taste like? I soon found out that these little morsels were indeed not from heaven, but the Heaven’s Gate cult. I also got a sweet pair of black and purple Nike’s with my purchase.

After I got my box of Choxie home I finally flipped it over to see what sort of flavors I was going to be treating myself to in a matter of minutes. After spying cinnamon praline, cafe latte, jasmine tea, lemon rose, pepper/mint, key lime, apple pie, and chili limon I knew I had pretty much purchased my own one-way ticket to taste bud hell. What the hell is chili limon? Why does the mere mouthing of the word make me want to wet myself? I soon found out, and I also found out that scrubbing your tongue with steel wool will actually not take away the taste and instead will leave you bleeding wishing for quick quick death by a ninja.

I slid the demonic little tiles out of their plastic sleeves, which is no easy task. The makers of Choxie have constructed their little box to be a veritable Chinese finger trap. I wasn’t making any progress breaking into the box so I decided to push my finger in so I could bend/hook the plastic and then pull the end off of it. Instead the Choxie box decided to allow my finger to enter the box and then when I pulled to get it back out, the Choxie box decided to show me that plastic can be as sharp as samurai blades. So my now mangled finger is in the box, losing circulation and bleeding, and I can’t get it out. I expected a Choxie demon to appear at any moment to teach me how exquisite pain was. Sadly, no more evil sprang from my Choxie box and I finally had to lose some skin to both remove my finger and open the box.

The first thing I noticed when I handled a piece of Choxie was that the shit melted like I was made of magma. I mean I am used to eating chocolate and I never had a Hershey bar turn into liquid when contact was made to my skin for two-fifths of a second. This stuff was highly unstable and would begin to melt if you even looked at it. Sure, you think this would be cool if you wanted to take a chocolate bath, but let me tell you...chocolate sticks to body hair and that means a ruined weekend for everyone.

The first tile I pulled out of the box was Cinnamon Praline. It had a chocolate odor and tasted about as I imagined it would. The tile has a smooth texture in your mouth with a little plasticy taste. I noticed a hint of mint in the aftertaste, but I didn’t get any cinnamon at all. The inside had a creamy texture that sort of reminded me of biting into a chicken egg before it hatches. Overall I wasn’t shocked by the taste and gave it a 4-out-of-5.

The second tile to tempt my tastebuds was the Cafe Latte. After biting down on this tile I was immediately repulsed by the flavor that hit my senses. My initial thoughts as I wrote them down were, “Crap, nasty, fucking death”. Cafe latte tastes like a used coffee filter that is 3 weeks old and has been soaking in fermented dumpster juices for about 2 of those weeks. After the frontal assault is finished it sneaks in with a really bizzare taste mix of burnt hair and pine air freshener. I give this chocolate wrapped death wish 2-out-of-5, because I got to use the term ‘dumpster juice’ and it made me giggle like a dyslexic midget.

Jasmine Tea, the name sounds so calm and serene. I imagined biting into this would be like visiting a Japanese garden full of tranquility and balance, so I unfortunately let my guard down. Serves me right since I am eating shit called Choxie. After biting into the tile my mouth was hit with a wave of gag-tastic splendor. It seriously tasted like I just scooped out a bunch of 4 month old kitty litter and poured it on my tongue. After choking down my bite of ‘Jasmine Tea’ I had an odd lingering aftertaste of envelope glue and new car scent. This flavor also had a odd effect coupled with the aftertaste, much like pouring isopropyl alcohol on your tongue...making it sort of icy feeling and sort of numb. I gave Jasmine Tea 2-out-of-5 because I can now truthfully say I know what cat shit tastes like.

After Jasmine Tea is there really anything they can throw at me that I am not expecting? Well, there was and it was called Lemon Rose. When I think of Lemon Rose I think a floral fragrance mixed with a slight tang and zest of citrus fruit. When the makers of Choxie think of Lemon Rose they think of a hospital minus the used syringes, plus overflowing colostomy bags. What other chocolate have you ever taken a bite of that reminds you of a dirty hospital? This shit is great. Lemon Rose had a bitter aftertaste that made me want to set my mouth on fire and call it a day to get the stench out. The inside filling is some nasty crap and made me feel like I was biting into a baby's leg (I bite into a lot of baby legs in any given year, so I would know). Lemon Rose gets negative 5-out-of-5 because it made me think of a hospital and I hate hospitals...well, hospitals and cripples.

Next up was Pepper/mint. Did you catch how they spelled it? Pepper/mint. What the hell is that supposed to mean? I figured since they had already perfected the taste of a hospital then there is no reason to think they would not mix pepper and mint together, but alas...I was wrong. Pepper/mint definitely has a minty taste with a hint of diareaha, but that was a welcome thank you after Jasmine Tea. The aftertaste that lingered was like cleaning products, but not the name brand ones, only the cheap rate second tier pieces of shit like “Pine Cleaner” or “Lemon Dusting Spray”. I did notice a strange burning sensation in my mouth after finishing my bite of Pepper/mint...again, I was thankful because it cleared out any hospital taste that was remaining. I give this one 3-out-of-5, mainly for allowing my mouth to remember the days before Jasmine Tea.

Apple pie. Apple pie? I didn’t even know what to expect with apple pie. How is a chocolate supposed to taste like an apple pie? Well, I threw caution to the wind and bit into ‘Apple Pie’...I now wish I had that caution back. As my teeth sank into the chocolate square I had a feeling like I just got shot in the throat with a taser. Was my body revolting? Had it had enough of this nasty Choxie experiment? No, it just thought I had bitten into death itself. There are some things that simply take your breath away and Apple Pie Choxie is one of them. The after taste is sort of chalky and what they are passing for apple is more like how I imagine Ebloa tastes like. This one gets negative 5-out-of-five because I don’t like bleeding out of various orifices as my internal organs are liquified.

Last, but not least, was Chili Limon. Why would they do this? Why mix chili with a citrus fruit? But if we are going to ask ourselves questions like that we might as well ask why even create Choxie at all? You want to know why? To make small children cry on Christmas morning, because if they get Choxie they are going to be vomiting all over their toys in just a few minutes. The first thing you notice when you bite into Chili Limon Choxie is the god-awful pungent taste that rapes your tongue with a broken vodka bottle. This stuff is so vile it tastes like some sort of engine de-greaser and maybe a citronella bug bomb with a dash of Mr. Clean thrown in for good measure. The aftertaste this “treat” leaves for your mouth is one of pain and sorrow. The Chili Limon really dries out your mouth and I have been sitting here drinking water like a goddamn camel for the past half-hour. Imagine pouring 2 tablespoons full of Comet sink cleaner in your mouth and trying to swish it around with your spit. I had to amputate my tongue with a paperclip just to get the nastiness out of my mouth as quickly as possible. I give Chili Limon a 1 for making my mouth bleed.

The makers of Choxie are some sick and twisted bastards who must live on the 7th level of hell and pay homage to Lucifer in the form of chocolate rape. I would seriously rather have a stranger stab me in the face repeatedly, than eat another piece of Choxie in my life. I am scared that I might have some sort of demon seed growing in my stomach that will unleash itself, forever sealing my place in history as the poor fucker who actually ate Choxie.

Choxie: Satan's Vomit in Candy Form can be purchased from Target for about $5.00. Will make an ideal stocking stuffer for any children you would rather have all happiness taken away from for the rest of their lives.