Give It All Up

My friend Rob and I always ask thought-provoking yet completely absurd questions of each other. It's sort of a psychological exercise in which we can jump right into the core of each other's beings, hopefully without wearing any pants and having "forgotten" condoms.

Last night I was feeling a bit wishy-washy about love. I occasionally get a little wishy-washy, as I am an Aquarius, so I guess that means I'm emotional. I also have trouble not pissing myself when I do coke; whether or not this has to do with being an Aquarius, I'm not sure.

But mostly I was emotional last night because another holiday season is quickly approaching and that means one thing for me: masturbating in front of the mirror with a Santa hat on.

[Man, today would be a really bad day for my parents to start reading this. Gay sex with my friend, doing coke, and watching myself jerk off. My god, I'm sorry.]

Anyway, the question was, "Rob, would you give up everything for a woman?" Rob, who at the time was smoking a cigarette, took a deep drag, looked off into the distance, and finally said, "Well, it depends on how much I have."

Very true.

For example, right now I don't have much going on. Sure, I have a good job. However, I don't have any money. I blame this not on my terrible spending habits ("Even though mine works perfectly fine, I think I'm going to buy a new TV, since it's only $900") but on the fact that Jersey is entirely too expensive. Also, I'm addicted to alcohol.

I don't have many friends, and I don't especially like the ones that I do have. I'm pretty sure my friend Greg tried to poison me three weeks ago (because of current legal issues, I can't get into the details at this time).

My family, which for years has thought that I have potential, is getting impatient waiting for me to capitalize on this potential (I don't know how - starting a business? running for office? starting some sort of espionage syndicate?). But they are learning each day that this "potential" was really just laziness well-concealed by constant self-aggrandizement. Therefore, they are turning against me. Although not entirely positive, I'm pretty sure my mom tried to push me down a flight of stairs last time I was home. Also, my dad stabbed me in the shoulder. Three times. Well, twice in the shoulder, once in the upper arm.

Other than that, what else do I have? I'm going to school, but "going to school" is the best way to describe it, since all I'm really doing logging onto a website, taking an open book test, and then not thinking about it again until the next class. I have this blog, which is nice and good and all, but nobody reads it and it has made me both undatable and unhirable, once I get canned when my employer finds this.

So yes, I would give all this up for a woman. And it doesn't even have to be a particularly attractive women. I would prefer a woman who isn't a paraplegic, but if not available, I'll make due.