The Way Of The Shovel

I have to get my passport renewed.

Now for a fellow who has never ventured further from the American homeland than Bermuda, in the past 3 years, a passport serves little purpose other than insurance. By insurance, I mean the sort of policy that allows a man to run far and fast when necessary. However, when you have to get to Brieskow-Finkenheerd in a hurry, you're gonna need that little blue book to find you way back.

Where the fuck is Brieskow-Finkenheerd?

Good question, but more important than the location of some bumfucked village near the asscrack of Germany and Poland is what is to be found there, namely a certain lady pioneer in international medicine and biomedical ethics.

For centuries, men and women have conspired to make the mattress magic without spawning, and a variety of innovative methods have arisen due to this aversion to children. From the teenaged boys timing that last pump to baste their sweetheart's buttocks, to the wise old whores measuring their temperatures during ovarian hot time. From the sheepskin and latex armor behind which we shield our manhood, to cervical caps and wrought metal uterine implants, the screaming infant icon has placed enduring fear in the minds of all copulating people worldwide. And still, somehow, despite all these advances in technology and efforts to keep the baby at bay, we keep making more fucking people. No pun intended.

Well, dear compatriots, the game has changed.

Because in Bree Cow Fricken Hard what-the-fuck Germany, a woman has found a new path to truth. Rather than bother with desensitizing condoms, troublesome hormone pills, or just taking the shot on her face like any other good European girl, this very fertile female just let those humble farmers plant their seed, and over the years between 1988 and 2004, patiently plumped up and birthed nine children. Yes, that's right. Nine. Now, considering there are only about 48 hours out of the month during which a live round will hit the target inside, that's quite a feat for any fuck. Nine lucky semen shots, nine long months, nine times, resulting in nine healthy bouncing babies. Catholic? Maybe. Easy? Without a doubt. So now, ask me why I would want to renew my passport, fly away to eastern Germany, and have (presumably) unprotected sex with this wondrously profund woman, when there are nine children strewn between toddler and teenager, running amok her house? Because those kids are not in her house.

They're in the fucking garage.

Well, at least they were, before the hired help caught a glimpse of human bones on the property, and the local constabulary unearthed all nine siblings. Er, step-siblings, rather.

And before you start casting such cliche stones as "murdering bitch" or my personal favorite "psycho mommy", you just keep in mind that I love this woman, and you can keep that shit to yourselves. I love her not for her incredible womb, oh no. I love her not for her magical ability to somehow carry nine fucking babies to term over the course of sixteen years without anybody saying something. No, I lust after this anonymous fuckbeast, because she is obviously willing to accept my liquid gift in her belly, and because her libertine nature allows her to "dispose" of these little nuisances in such a casual manner. I mean, how can a woman of 39 years get her fish hole plugged all that time, sprout babies, and bury them with no compunction at all, when she's not Chinese? In rural Africa such a feat would be simple, since feeding your children just isn't an option. And any good American woman would have her frequent flyer card punched for a freebie at Planned Parenthood at this point. How? HOW?

Pay attention, ladies. I'll show ya.

1. First, you get yourself pregnant. You don't have to necessarily be German, and this can be accomplished by a variety of methods, usually fucking.
2. Then, have a baby.
3. Get yourself a good shovel.
4. Go out in the garage, and dig yourself a hole.
5. Take your baby, and put him/her in said hole. Note the initial mess involved in sectioning your baby may prove beneficial later, as the law tries to piece together the jigsaw puzzle of your infant.
6. And throw some dirt.

Just like that, you've gotten a prime piece of dirty buttfucking German slut, bareback for nothing but a little sweat and maybe a shot of penicillin. No child support. No awkward visitation. No bullshit family law attorneys.

And now, finally, you understand why I have to get that passport taken care of, and make fast tracks over the Big Puddle before she gets sentenced and all hope is lost.

To Brieskow-Finkenheerd!