The Church Of John

I've always been a somewhat of a heathen. But, here recently I've come to the realization that I've crossed that ever so cleverly placed line and have managed to secure an even closer spot to the front of the line waiting outside the gates of Hell. I was raised Orthodox but haven't been to church since I was asked to leave Bible study class because I was wearing a Motley Crue, "Shout At The Devil" shirt with pentagram and all, 19 years ago.

Everywhere I turn, the devil is waiting for me. As soon as I wake up in the morning, that motherfucker is tempting me before I can even squeeze one off with my morning wood. It's gotten to the point that I don't want to leave my apartment because the temptation to become a full time slave to the Devil is far too strong for my feeble soul to handle. Right before I throw in the towel and give in to the dark demons that haunt me on a daily basis I've decided I might convert to a new religion that may prevent me from spending my eternal life burning in the bowels of Hell. I've searched high and low and I'm contemplating the following:

Islam

Why not be Muslim? I like bean pies and I'm not too cool to sport a bow tie. But, with all the 9/11 shit still fresh in people's minds, I feel I might be looked at as a terrorist. And fuck that whole praying five times a day thing. Being the big boy that I am, there is no way I could do that fasting stuff either. I know several Arab cab drivers (who also happen to be Muslims) and the difference between us is that I take baths and don't usually smell like armpits/ass, so that in itself may very well prevent me from screaming Allah right before I set off an improvised explosive device. On the bright side, I hear that pages of the Qur'an can be used to roll a perfect burning joint. I'd be in Muslim Hell for saying that last part alone. No thanks.

Hinduism

Hmmm, now that sounds kinda catchy. I think I can pull off the red dot on the forehead and I can pour one hell of a Slurpee. I'm not sure I can pull off the turban though and I'm not sure I can buy into all this reincarnation shit that these people go on about; especially when the worse a person is in this life the worse they come back as in their next life. In my case I'd probably come back as a fucking shit fly or some other soon-to-be-killed animal. There is also no way I could worship a cow, unless it's a dairy cow that supplies me with a never ending supply of 'shrooms, then we might be on to something. Tank you, com again.

Buddhism

Here's something that might be up my alley. Shit, I could be a Buddhist, and not just because I resemble a Buddah but also because I'm a huge fan of Kung Fu, the TV series. David Carradine was my hero! But, these guys are always trying to cease suffering, so I think, me not giving a shit about anything or anyone else may prevent me from full conversion. Hanging out in some far away place with a bunch of other guys with shaved heads, doesn't sound that appealing to me either. So, I'm thinking I'll keep burning incense out of my glass Buddahs' stomach instead of relying on the Beastie Boys to free the rest of my people.

Judaism

I've always wanted to be a Jew. I wonder if there are any other Greek Jews. I could wear one of those little hats on my head so that G-d can't see my thoughts. I could help run the media and I could easily obtain a hatred for Germans. I've always liked the kosher meals on airplanes and now I could very well have a reason for ordering them. And instead of one day of presents I could now have eight and even an extra weekend of not doing shit during Sabbath. But wait, scratch all that shit before you start making oven jokes about me. There is no way in hell some bearded fucker is getting anywhere near my dick to cut off any more foreskin. It's bad enough, I'm still tender from the time that bitch with the braces went overboard.

Rastafarianism

Shit, now I definitely know I can fit in with this religion. Sure, I'm not black nor do I sport dreads in the image of the lion Judah but we all know I'm into the whole meditation side of things. The more and more I thought about it, it made sense to me, until I was quickly reminded by a friend (who is black): "Nigga, jus cuz you smoke, don' mean you can be Rasta."
Well, that's just fucking great, way to keep a pigment-lacking brotha like me down, fucking oppressor. So, just like that, my dream of smoking herb, eating food in its rawest forms, listening to Bob Marley, waiting for my exodus back to Ethiopia, and fighting Babylon was crushed my some fucking Oreo, who just happened to be at my house with some fucking white chick.

So, lets see, what else might save me from eternal damnation? I think I got it, Scientology. Fuck, Tom Cruise just made some fucker grow 6 inches and he's fucking Katie Holmes, so he must be on to something. I took their "how toxic are you” test and it seems that after answering yes to all ten questions, I may be experiencing a case of severe body pollution. Luckily for me, these good folks have a 3 step purification program that I can start immediately. I thought I found the answer to all problems and figured I'd be saved in no time but come to find out; I'd be dead broke after buying all of L. Ron Hubbards' required reading. To think I almost drank these peoples' Kool Aid.

Fuck it. I think I'll give being Orthodox another shot. I enjoy drinking wine on Sunday mornings as much as the next guy, and who doesn't like fucking without condoms? And, I don't even have to walk into a small booth and confess my secrets to a little boy loving pervert.

Ah fuck, who am I kidding? Shout at the Devil!