Fancy New Voice

Good people, I have something that I’d like to admit. This has weighed heavy on my heart for a while and only after discussing this affliction with good friends such as Joel and Matt have I come to this conclusion. The only way to be free of the burden of carrying this dark secret around with me is to expose myself in public. I am not a homosexual nor am I some sort of gun-toting, army surplus shopping, military freak but I…for the life of me…absolutely cannot get enough of Duane “Dog” Chapman, The Bounty Hunter, so what if he’s a convicted murderer.

I’m not sure how many of you remember how Dog mightily smote the convicted serial rapist (and heir to the Max Factor Cosmetics fortune) Andrew Luster in the far away land of Mexico. It is rumored that Dog disguised himself as a life-sized statue of the great Poncho Villa. Witnesses describe Dog as “Springing from the podium he stood on and grabbing Luster as he walked by saying ‘I came to Mexico to do two things, lick my balls like the dog that I am and catch serial rapists. …and guess what, I’m all outta balls!’“ All who saw the event agree that it was then that Dog Chapman accidentally stepped into the bucket of copper paint he used to disguise himself, tripped and tumbled down the beach with Luster in tow. They stopped rolling mere feet from the water. Dog leapt to his feet in triumph, still holding Luster by his collar. The sand sticking to the paint which now covered both of them gave Dog and Luster the appearance of two beach sized testicles. The crowed that gathered erupted into laughter and applause, Dog waved and flexed his muscles mightily.

Of course he was arrested shortly thereafter by Mexican authorities and was charged with using illegal methods of disguise to catch Luster. Dog soon escaped to California where he was greeted as the greatest hero since Ollie North. A television series followed and even here in Jersey people smile when the name “Dog” passes their ears or crosses their lips. Personally I want Dog to do a few episodes of his show here in New Jersey. It could be a ratings behemoth larger than that of the MASH and Cheers finales combined! I can see it now…

Ricardo Rodriguez, 33 admits that he shot 61-year old Edward Valdez in the ass when an argument over an episode of COPS went bad. He was released on bail and not long after disappeared into the Jersey forests.

High above a night sky a dark figure pierces the clouds, a plane speeding away in the distance. A parachute deploys and this human shadow drifts gently to the jungle floor. While he ditches his gear a beam of light shines across his face and the sounds of a thousand guns cocking pierce the night air. This guy has fallen smack dab in the middle of trouble but that’s ok. This is Dog Chapman, “Trouble” was his Aunt’s middle name. More lights flood the area and a microsecond before Dog can whip into an ass-kicking fury someone pushes their way through the armed soldiers who all have Dog locked in their sights. The figure steps into the light and it is Ricardo. His eyes are bloodshot from lack of sleep and when he gets to Dog he flicks his burning cigarette into his face.

“I doubt you’re here for the scenery.” Ricardo asks, unimpressed with being found.

“I’ve come here to do two things…” Dog grumbles in his fancy new Batman-voice. “…and that’s to have my remaining testicle bathed in chilled celery pulp by a half-monkey, half-eagle monster that plays the spoooooooons…and to place my palms on either side of your skull.

“High in the trees a giant pair of glowing yellow eyes light up the canopy. The sound of a giant martini shaker tossing around boulder-sized ice cubes shakes the ground. Upon seeing these menacing eyes, the soldiers scattered in fear, bumping into one another in a hysterical sprint. A huge shadow falls on Dog who only glares.

And that’s probably where they’d break for commercial. God, I hate television!