Eat Chicken Here

We need to start showing animals who's the boss. And by showing them who's the boss, I don't mean strapping them down in front of TVs while Tony and Angela have a light-hearted debate about gender roles in 1980's America. Although I don't think anyone would argue the fact that that would also be a very good idea.

What I mean is that we need to stop treating animals like they have souls. Everyone knows that it has been scientifically proven, again and again, that the soul is an anatomical feature specific to humans. It was given to us by God himself when we agreed to let Him randomly select who goes bald.

Anyway, to get back on topic, humane treatment of animals has gotten out of hand. I've even seen restaurants advertise that the animals that they serve were treated ethically.

Well, I say, fuck that. I'm starting my own chain of restaurants that will openly disregard hygiene, laws, and widely accepted moral standards. It will be fast food chicken, and I've already come up with a basic premise for my ad campaign. Let me know what you think:

Setting: A midwestern farm. A farmer is up at dawn to feed the chickens.
Date: A simpler time

Narrator: You know, here at Johnny's Chicken Shack, we've heard all about those other restaurants, treating their chickens like people. Making sure they're tucked in at night; No holes in their jammies. Well, that's just fine for them. To each his own, as we like to say. But we like to take things a little bit slower here on Johnny's farm. Call us old fashioned, but we treat people right, not animals.

(Farmer shows his young son how to break a chicken's neck as camera fades into a present-day Johnny's Chicken Shack filled with families)

Narrator: When you set foot in a Johnny's Chicken Shack, you know that your meal was prepared with you in mind. We keep the chickens right here on-site, safely stuffed by the hundreds into unheated metal pens. Then, when you place your order, your chicken is carefully hand-selected out of the healthy and living candidates. This process ensures that not only will your meal be fresh, but also that only the strong, delicious chickens reach your plate. Once the lucky winner is chosen, this is where Johnny's Chicken Shack is set apart from the competition.

At other restaurants, you may be forced to passively stand by while your meal is prepared. Well, at JCS, you become a part of the fun. You and your family are ushered into the cooking area and seated comfortably in one of our spacious viewing booths to watch as the chicken is slowly submerged and drowned in a sweet and smokey blend of hickory bbq sauce and home-grown spices. As you watch on, the animal is periodically removed and re-engulfed in the delectable seasoning until its will is overwhelmed with flavor and its consciousness submits to your hunger.

From that point, it is only a few short minutes before your conquest is complete, and you envelop the chicken's essence as a part of one of our six affordable combo plates. And for those of you out there who need a little bit extra, don't forget to Macho Size your meal with an extra large Mr. Pibb and onion rings; Because at Johnny's Chicken Shack, you have it the way nature intended.

Johnny's Chicken Shack: "They Don't Understand They're Being Killed, They Just Know It Hurts."