My Bonus

Well, I got my Christmas bonus today and it's not only nonexistent, but I also found out that 2 people just got layed off. So my Christmas bonus entails me putting my resume on monster.com.

I know I shouldn't complain, because a lot of people don't get Christmas (sorry to my non-Christian readers, I should say "year-end") bonuses, but I was counting on this in a Clark Griswold kinda way. Only instead of putting in a pool, I was planning on pinning down some of the massive debt that living in a state where vodka tonics are $7 a pop can accumulate for a manic-depressive alcoholic.

So it's going to be a sad Christmas as I start looking around my apartment for things to give my friends and family:

Cousin: "Oh wow, five VHS porno tapes that you've had since 1996! Thanks!"

Dad: "Oh great! Two half burned candles and a pair of pants that doesn't fit you anymore and won't fit me either! Great gifts!"

Mom: "A pack of matches, delivery menus for New Jersey restaurants, and some pens that don't work? All for me? This is a best Christmas ever!"

Friend: "Nice - a bunch of crumpled pieces of paper that have jokes about Puerto Ricans on them and a pair of scissors that you stole from work! And all I got you was that $50 Barnes & Noble gift card. I feel like such a douche."

Merry Fucking Christmas from The Company.

Speaking of the holidays, I have eight (eight?) holiday or birthday parties to attend within the next 2 weeks (well, two were last night). I don't know how this is possible, considering I have about four friends.

[And what's with all the December birthdays? I didn't know March was the month for procreating. Is this all the work of St. Patrick's Day? Another thing we can thank the Irish for, along with tiny genitals and alcoholic rages.]

So there's going to be a lot of bar-hopping this weekend and next, which means I'm probably going to spend over $100 this weekend on cabs alone. This is where I curse myself for being obese, because I can't run from these cabbies (Christ, sometimes I get out of breath drinking water).

And now I really want a hoagie. Fuck - such a vicious, vicious cycle.