Jesus Built My Warthog

“George Bush was not elected by a majority of the voters in the United States. He was appointed by God.”
- Lt. General William G. Boykin


“They all hold swords, being expert in war: every man hath his sword upon his thigh because of fear in the night.”
- Song of Solomon, 8:3, KJV


Imagine 1.5 billion Amsterdam hookers, lined up with their asses in the air, patiently waiting their turn at the end of your swollen joystick. If you were to somehow take one every minute, and abandon such primitive needs as sleep, food, or refractory periods, it would take you 2853 years to fuck all those women. If you were to line them up all up in a cosmic daisy chain, nose to ass, those sweet whores would stretch all the way around the world – thirty-one times over. Can you even fathom the sheer volume of highly trained vaginal muscles? The practiced blowjobs? All those tits?


Yeah, and that’s exactly how much ass George W. Bush is asking the American Taxpayer to piss away in Iraq.


And if God had anything to do with this ignorant Texas fuck stumbling into the White House, I’m gonna start firebombing churches faster than a Mississippi Klan Member on "Nigger Sunday". We’ll have us a Christian Holocaust, Deep South Hitler style, and burn every Anglo-Saxon conservative into his SUV pew. Nah, fuck that. I wouldn’t have the discipline, as every time I’ve ever attempted to make a Malotov cocktail, I chug the bomb and end up chucking empty bottles through the stained glass windows. I’m a shitty terrorist.


And, sorry to say, a shitty American.


Because I passed up my chance to vote against this crazed lunatic Jesus Freak and his depleted uranium fetish. I missed that window of opportunity to register for jury duty, stand in line, and punch the ballot in some feeble effort to turn the tides and send that faggot bastard back to the oil fields. I mean, sure, that “I can hear God” shit might have worked in the Old Testament days, because people were fucking ignorant, but you and I both know if some dude at the bar starts mumbling to you about hearing God these days, you’re gonna “Yeah sure buddy” nod and wait for the bartender to cut the line. I mean, anyone who claims to hear any voices, let alone that of the high and holy Yahweh, is stark fucking Crazy. And now these same crazy fuckers are running the Show from Washington, Vatican City, and Jerusalem. I wouldn’t let one of these asshats watch my seat while I pissed, and now they’re in charge of all that tax money? $87,000,000,000? What is that, like a Google of Ben Franklins? Christ, I have a problem giving some jibbering fool on the sidewalk a fucking dollar. How did this happen?


Easy. We let it happen.


Yup, lazy Internet junky people addicted to Porn and Cheap Gin let this happen, hungover and running late to work, jerking off, smoking cigarettes outside the back door, strung out on high-powered mescaline, sucking cock on camera. Whatever the distraction, the American dream lured every one of us away from the Voting Booths, clearing the path for a bunch of Right Wing stiffs to place their Whore at the Podium Pedestal. Think about it. I have. I remember my job actually let us leave the office to go vote, paid. Did I run straight to the table and do my American duty? Absolutely – a fucking cocktail table, and I did my duty fueling our American economy, tipping leggy women to treat me nice, slowly sinking in a glass of Jager. While a hallucinating sociopath ascended to the status of Political Priest.


Then proceeded to fill Iraq with radioactive metal, loot their oil, and blow ALL the money at his little poker table.


Appointed by God. Well, fuck, if a tool like George Bush can get a ticket from God, what do you do when your constituents worship TV? Cell phones? Latino amateur pornography? Tequila? Their own cocks? How does one appeal to these folk, get them to stop masturbating, and go outside far enough to vote this asshat out of office? To stop the tax waste? To buy 1.5 billion Dutch hookers and keep American men entertained for centuries?


Incentive? Sure.


With just a few short trips to the voting booths, people, we can take control of the ship with a twisted sort of Mutiny, toss the Boys overboard, and set the course for a New America. A nation where Pot is legal, Porn is free, and our tax money would actually stay in the fucking country where it belongs, along with all of our soldiers, jobs, and A-10 Warthogs. And we’ll all take turns writing for the front page of lurid dirty websites, trading stories about drugs and hookers. Even I’ve read enough of the Good Book, to know that Jesus was a Jew, faked his own death, and he’s supposedly coming back bigger and better than ever.


Our Savior has Risen.


Oh, and any loony fucker who claims to hear God, Buddha, Mohammed, Allah, or whatever Indian Rain God those weird Central American natives dance to, will be subjected to gangrape and Hemlock, castrated, stoned, disemboweled, and ceremoniously thrown into a firepit full of Lions.


Judge and Jury,

John